Grumpy

… with apologies to Nike.

I have found The Answer.

When you’re weary, feeling small; when tears are in your eyes, this will dry them all.

Find a busy place, preferably somewhere like a church, or a library, or an open-plan office. Maybe a job centre (plus). Marks & Spencer. Anywhere inappropriate will do.

Cup your hands to your mouth, like a megaphone.

Holler like you’re making the mating call of a bull moose (if you’ve never before heard the mating call of a bull moose, imagine the sound of a ship’s foghorn combined with the urgency of a baby’s cry and the anguish of Oliver Reed when he has his goolies wedged between two bits of wood and whacked with a sledgehammer in the 1971 film “The Devils”, also starring Vanessa Redgrave (stop waffling - Ed)

Continue with this holler for a few seconds, gradually getting louder, until you are sure that nobody save the profoundly deaf have missed the performance.

Then, in one deft movement, finish the call with “aaaaa-choo” and immediately cover the mouth as if to stifle the crying sneeze.

Pretend that it was unavoidable, and wear a satisfied smirk.

Trust me, it worked for me yesterday. I couldn’t help myself.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 30th, 2009 at 11:49 am and is filed under Grumps. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.